Rick Steves I am Not

Sometimes, I'm not the most savvy traveler. Like when I double book myself at two hotels (of the same chain) in the same city, stay at the ghetto one unawares until the day I'm to leave, when I look through my email and notice a confirmation from the better hotel that I somehow missed, so I have to call the better hotel and explain that I wasn't exactly a no-show, I just ended up at their other (ghetto) property across the street, for four days. I'm not going to name names, but the hotel name starts with "S" and ends with "N" and in the middle "herato". The 4 Points is the ghetto version. And this hotel does everything wrong. From the cigarette burned carpets, to the repulsive potpourri "plug-ins" in the lobby (I guess to cover up the stale cigarette smell), to the lack of microwaves in the rooms (or anywhere else in the hotel, which incidentally led to the "Popcorn Incident" which I'll describe in a later post- yes it deserves its own post), to the surly attitude of the front desk staff, to the air conditioner that rattled so loud I asked to move to another room, only to discover the rattle was a feature in the new room too! No extra charge! To the shower head that didn't work properly, ect..... Don't even get me started with the fitness room that has the treadmill shoved into a corner, so that you're facing a wall, with a stationary bike directly behind it, that will inevitably be occupied as soon as you think you've got the room to yourself, get on the treadmill to stare at the wall, only to find that someone else has just come in and is now on the exercise bike directly behind you staring at your bouncing bum. Which then leads you to quickly dismount the treadmill after 5 minutes and head outside to run in the urban blight of a wasteland that is the LAX neighborhood. I'm lucky I wasn't shot. At least I didn't have to look at a wall. Anyway, what a shitty trip this has been. And it only gets better....

I'm now in LAX waiting for my 8:30 (but delayed) flight home to Portland with a growly stomach. This has got to be the most miserable airport in the whole wide world. It just sucks the soul out of you like one of those dementors. Now, I have a routine on my last day in a city, where I leave the lab after class, head directly to the airport, and find a nice sit-down restaurant to eat and relax in until it's time to head to the gate. So, I take my bag to the check-in counter, and the lady behind the desk informs me that my flight is delayed by 30 minutes, which is fine with me since I'm going to have a nice leisurely dinner at one of the restaurants in the terminal. I have 2.5 hours now before my flight leaves, so I head through security anticipating a not-great, but somewhat decent dinner, since I can expense it. Well, the terminal I'm in has no nice restaurants. Burger King, a sausage stand, and a noisy, packed sports bar with tvs everywhere. Have I mentioned that I'm doing Weight Watchers again? (I'm just counting points- not going to meetings) So, not too many healthy choices. But I have to eat, so I order a chicken sausage dog, and look for a place to eat it. But all the places to sit are taken up with other people who's flights have been delayed, canceled, ect. So I end up sitting on the floor. I take a bite of the dog and immediately throw it away it's so repulsive. I try my luck again with a pre-made chicken sandwich, and wouldn't you know it, can't eat more than a few bites it's so soggy and nasty. So while I'm wandering around hoping to find something edible, I hear an announcement for a final boarding call to Portland. Huh? Oh shit. There was an earlier flight I could have flown out on. I usually check with the check in counter people to see if there are any earlier flights, but I was so hungry, I wasn't as concerned with getting out on an earlier flight. So at this point, I'm so mad and upset, I'd punch a unicorn, both at myself, and at the bitch at the check in counter who didn't mention an earlier flight I could have tried to get on rather than be delayed in smelly LAX. So I decide to vent in an email to a friend, and damn! after sending it I reread it and realized how insane I sound. Below is an excerpt from my rant:

i can literally feel my blood pressure spiking to new heights. you
thought the popcorn incident was bad? the only thing that's keeping me from bursting into tears is that i can't decide whether to throw myself on this rotten foul carpet and burst into tears, or take a garbage can and throw it at the @#$%^&* behind the counter. so, i'm trying to decide which public spectacle would make me feel better: a childish temper tantrum, or a violent act that will surely make me instantly famous.

So, I thought maybe it would be more constructive to post to the blog, since I haven't posted all week, and it will keep me busy until the danger of my making a scene passes.

So far, so good. I've calmed down quite a bit. I think the gate agent is now out of danger.